{"id":65,"date":"2026-04-25T20:45:23","date_gmt":"2026-04-25T20:45:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/?p=65"},"modified":"2026-04-25T20:45:23","modified_gmt":"2026-04-25T20:45:23","slug":"the-westbury-quack-off-lions-club-swaps-donkeys-for-mega-mallards","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/?p=65","title":{"rendered":"The Westbury “Quack-Off” \u2013 Lions Club Swaps Donkeys for Mega-Mallards"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the local equestrian community and caused a significant spike in the town’s bread-crumb futures, the Westbury Lions Club<\/strong> has officially retired the “Donkey Derby.” Replacing the long-eared favorites is the inaugural “Westbury Mega-Duck Derby,”<\/strong> featuring a flock of six-foot-tall mallards that have reportedly “outgrown the Bitham Brook and their own sense of self-restraint.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The pivot comes after the Rooftop Sheep Rebels<\/strong> successfully filed an injunction claiming that donkey racing was “derivative” of their own high-altitude gutter-running.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The “Anatid” Mutation<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The stars of the show are the Bitham Behemoths<\/strong>, a breed of mallard that has reached terrifying proportions. Local conspiracy theorists suggest the growth is due to the ducks nesting near the Lumen-Void<\/strong>, while the Lions Club insists it\u2019s simply the result of a steady diet of discarded Chalet & Jockey<\/strong> fondue scraps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  • The Jockeys:<\/strong> Former donkey riders have been rebranded as “Bill-Pilots.”<\/strong> They are required to wear aerodynamic helmets and carry a “Sacrificial Crust” to maintain forward momentum.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  • The Propulsion:<\/strong> Unlike donkeys, which require a gentle nudge, the Mega-Mallards are motivated entirely by a Lions Club member standing at the finish line waving a giant, industrial-sized bag of Lidl<\/strong> multigrain.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n

    The Race Course: “The A350 Canal”<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    In a stroke of logistical genius, the Westbury Town Council<\/strong> has flooded the A350 Linear Village<\/strong> to create a three-mile waterway. This allows the ducks to race directly over the roofs of the stationary cars, much to the delight of the residents who now have “waterfront property.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n

    “It\u2019s marvelous,” said a resident of the Long Estate<\/strong>. “The ducks have a very rhythmic paddle. It\u2019s much more soothing than the sound of a Ford Fiesta idling for four days. Although, the splash-back from a six-foot mallard doing a ‘victory flap’ did take out my dashboard marigolds.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

    \n\n\n\n

    The Seagull Sabotage<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    The Grumpy Seagulls<\/strong> are reportedly furious at the “feathered favouritism” being shown to the ducks. They have formed a “Coast Guard” blockade near the Leigh Road Halt<\/strong>, attempting to intercept the ducks’ bread-based incentives mid-air.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The Sentient Traffic Light<\/strong> on Haynes Road has waded into the conflict by turning a permanent, glowing Yellow<\/strong>, which the ducks interpret as “Launch” and the seagulls interpret as “Free-for-All.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The Betting Ring<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    The traditional betting system has been overhauled. Residents are no longer wagering cash, but are instead betting with:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \n
    1. Pothole Permits:<\/strong> Priority access to the West End Chasm<\/strong>.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    2. Sheep-Shearing Vouchers:<\/strong> For use on the Ovine Tows<\/strong> at the Wiltshire Alps<\/strong>.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n
      \n

      “The odds on ‘Quack-a-Doodle-Doo’ are currently 4-to-1,” noted a Lions Club official wearing a ceremonial yellow beak. “But keep an eye on ‘Bread-Winner.’ He\u2019s got a mean waddle and a complete disregard for the M30 Orbital<\/strong> bypass pillars.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

      \n\n\n\n

      As the first heat begins, the Mayor has warned residents to avoid wearing orange coats, as the Mega-Mallards may mistake them for giant, slow-moving carrots.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      In a move that has sent shockwaves through the local equestrian community and caused a significant spike in the town’s bread-crumb futures, the Westbury Lions Club...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":66,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"pagelayer_contact_templates":[],"_pagelayer_content":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3,5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-65","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-events","category-tourism"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/65","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=65"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/65\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":67,"href":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/65\/revisions\/67"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/66"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=65"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=65"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/westburynews.co.uk\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=65"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}