The Bitham Brook “Grand Canal” Plot

In a desperate bid to bypass the perennial gridlock of the A350, the Westbury Planning Committee has unveiled its most ambitious project yet: the Bitham Blue-Way. Starting this Friday, the humble Bitham Brook—traditionally known for its impressive collection of submerged shopping trolleys and very damp ducks—will be officially redesignated as an “International Maritime Corridor.”

The Fleet of the Ham
The centerpiece of the initiative involves a fleet of high-speed, “eco-friendly” gondolas (repurposed wheelbarrows with the tires removed) that will transport commuters from Bitham Park directly to the back of the Westbury Railway Station.

The Council’s “Master Mariner” spokesperson explained the logistics:

The “Port” of The Ham: A state-of-the-art terminal consisting of a single wooden pallet and a lifebuoy that was salvaged from the Westbury Swimming Pool skip.

The Duck Management Strategy: Local mallards have been served with formal eviction notices, though the Council admits that “negotiations with the lead drake have stalled over breadcrumb subsidies.”

The Shopping Trolley Reefs: Instead of removing the various metal skeletons from the water, they are being rebranded as “Industrial Heritage Bio-Filters” to help the brook maintain its signature “urban-earthy” aroma.

A Nautical Renaissance
Local residents in Westbury Leigh have been encouraged to dress as 18th-century privateers to help “build the atmosphere.” However, the first trial run ended prematurely when the lead vessel—The S.S. Bratton—became wedged under a low-hanging willow tree near the Leighton Recreation Centre.

“It was quite a sight,” said one onlooker who was supposed to be at work in Trowbridge. “The captain tried to use a selfie stick as a rudder, but he was eventually overtaken by a particularly athletic frog. Honestly, it’s still faster than trying to get through the lights at Haynes Road.”

The Economic Ripple
To fund the project, a “Towpath Toll” has been introduced. Anyone walking their dog near the brook must now pay 50p or, alternatively, provide the brook with a “sacrifice of shiny objects” to appease the sentient traffic light from last week’s story, which has apparently declared itself the Brook’s protector.

Furthermore, a “Duty-Free Zone” has been established in the gap between the brook and the Lidl car park, where residents can trade surplus zucchini and rumors about when the old Barclays site will finally be turned into a luxury indoor rainforest (as per the latest unconfirmed pub gossip).

Looking Ahead
The Council is already planning “Phase Two,” which involves damming the brook near the Horse & Jockey to create the “Westbury Inland Sea,” complete with a pedal-boat shaped like the White Horse.

When asked about the risk of the brook actually drying up during a three-day Wiltshire “heatwave,” the spokesperson was optimistic: “We’ve already accounted for that. We’ll just ask everyone in Dilton Marsh to turn their garden hoses on at once. It’s called community-sourced hydro-management.”