The Westbury “Quack-Off” – Lions Club Swaps Donkeys for Mega-Mallards
In a move that has sent shockwaves through the local equestrian community and caused a significant spike in the town’s bread-crumb futures, the Westbury Lions Club has officially retired the “Donkey Derby.” Replacing the long-eared favorites is the inaugural “Westbury Mega-Duck Derby,” featuring a flock of six-foot-tall mallards that have reportedly “outgrown the Bitham Brook and their own sense of self-restraint.”
The pivot comes after the Rooftop Sheep Rebels successfully filed an injunction claiming that donkey racing was “derivative” of their own high-altitude gutter-running.
The “Anatid” Mutation
The stars of the show are the Bitham Behemoths, a breed of mallard that has reached terrifying proportions. Local conspiracy theorists suggest the growth is due to the ducks nesting near the Lumen-Void, while the Lions Club insists it’s simply the result of a steady diet of discarded Chalet & Jockey fondue scraps.
- The Jockeys: Former donkey riders have been rebranded as “Bill-Pilots.” They are required to wear aerodynamic helmets and carry a “Sacrificial Crust” to maintain forward momentum.
- The Propulsion: Unlike donkeys, which require a gentle nudge, the Mega-Mallards are motivated entirely by a Lions Club member standing at the finish line waving a giant, industrial-sized bag of Lidl multigrain.
The Race Course: “The A350 Canal”
In a stroke of logistical genius, the Westbury Town Council has flooded the A350 Linear Village to create a three-mile waterway. This allows the ducks to race directly over the roofs of the stationary cars, much to the delight of the residents who now have “waterfront property.”
“It’s marvelous,” said a resident of the Long Estate. “The ducks have a very rhythmic paddle. It’s much more soothing than the sound of a Ford Fiesta idling for four days. Although, the splash-back from a six-foot mallard doing a ‘victory flap’ did take out my dashboard marigolds.”
The Seagull Sabotage
The Grumpy Seagulls are reportedly furious at the “feathered favouritism” being shown to the ducks. They have formed a “Coast Guard” blockade near the Leigh Road Halt, attempting to intercept the ducks’ bread-based incentives mid-air.
The Sentient Traffic Light on Haynes Road has waded into the conflict by turning a permanent, glowing Yellow, which the ducks interpret as “Launch” and the seagulls interpret as “Free-for-All.”
The Betting Ring
The traditional betting system has been overhauled. Residents are no longer wagering cash, but are instead betting with:
- Pothole Permits: Priority access to the West End Chasm.
- Sheep-Shearing Vouchers: For use on the Ovine Tows at the Wiltshire Alps.
“The odds on ‘Quack-a-Doodle-Doo’ are currently 4-to-1,” noted a Lions Club official wearing a ceremonial yellow beak. “But keep an eye on ‘Bread-Winner.’ He’s got a mean waddle and a complete disregard for the M30 Orbital bypass pillars.”
As the first heat begins, the Mayor has warned residents to avoid wearing orange coats, as the Mega-Mallards may mistake them for giant, slow-moving carrots.
