The Westbury “Mole-Pass”: Wiltshire’s First Subterranean Stagnation

In a move that has finally confirmed the Westbury Town Council has run out of horizontal space to build in, the local authority has officially launched the “Westbury Underground.” Designed to bypass the A350 entirely by tunnelling directly through the town’s porous chalk foundations, the project promises to turn a five-minute walk into a forty-minute subterranean odyssey.

The project was reportedly green-lit after the Sentient Traffic Light on Haynes Road suffered a digital breakdown and began flashing “DIG DOWN” in Morse code for forty-eight hours straight.

The Infrastructure: “Chalk-a-Block”

The tunneling was carried out by the Westbury Cavernous Exploration Society (WCES), using a repurposed industrial drill bits found in the “Lumen-Void” and a fleet of highly motivated badgers. The result is a network of tunnels that are “structurally sound, provided nobody sneezes too loudly near the Matravers School foundations.”

The Initial Route (The “White Horse Line”):

• Westbury Station (Surface): Connects to the real trains (if they’re running).
• The Chasm Central: Located directly at the bottom of the West End Pothole.
• Passengers are advised to “aim for the cushions” when boarding.
• Angel Deep: A station located in the cellar of The Angel, where the “Mind the Gap” announcement has been replaced by a recording of a barman shouting “Last Orders!”
• Bitham Brook Underwater: A scenic glass-roofed station where commuters can watch shopping trolleys drift slowly past in the silt.
• The High-Altitude Terminus: A vertical elevator that deposits passengers directly into the left nostril of the White Horse .

The Rolling Stock: “Trolley-Sync”

In a stroke of environmental genius, the “trains” consist of 50 Bitham Brook shopping trolleys welded together and propelled by a giant industrial fan located in the Swimming Pool boiler room.

The service is surprisingly quiet, though it does have a tendency to pull sharply to the left if it encounters a stray coin on the tracks. For the “Premium Class” experience, passengers are provided with a high-vis vest and a mining helmet decorated with Matravers School stickers.

Staffing and Security: The Avian Inspectors

The Grumpy Seagulls have been given official roles as “Revenue Protection Officers.” Instead of checking tickets, they simply hover over passengers and stare intensely at their pockets until a “voluntary donation” of a crusty bap is offered.

“It’s a very efficient system,” noted a Council spokesperson. “The seagulls have a 100% success rate in identifying people carrying contraband sausage rolls. We’ve also hired the Rooftop Sheep as ‘Natural Tunnel Buffers.’ Their woolly coats help absorb the sound of the trolleys and the screams of people who realize they’ve accidentally boarded the express line to the Cement Works Void.”

The Ticketing Crisis

The ticketing system is managed by the Sentient Traffic Light, which has moved its consciousness into a mobile app. However, the app only issues tickets in the form of cryptic riddles.

• Example Ticket: “To reach the Horse, you must first acknowledge the void. Pay the bird a chip. The light is amber. Proceed with existential dread.”

A local resident from Westbury Leigh expressed mild frustration:

“I tried to tap in with my debit card, but a seagull bit my finger and told me I was ‘lacking in cultural grit.’ I ended up walking anyway, but at least I didn’t have to look at the A350.”

Official Opening

The Grand Opening ceremony was held at Patience Park, where the Mayor attempted to cut a ribbon made of wool and caution tape. Unfortunately, the ceremonial “First Trolley” got stuck in a layer of prehistoric chewing gum near the Library, and the guests had to be rescued by a team of sheep-mounted badgers.

Despite the “minor” teething issues, the Council is already planning the Phase 2 Expansion: a direct tunnel to Trowbridge that will be filled entirely with water to facilitate a “Commuter Canal” for wheelbarrows.